tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072980074427637835.post2295833856529132426..comments2023-03-25T01:53:31.740-07:00Comments on The Thoughts of a Jewish Teenager : A Harsh Reality Gabriel.Goldsteinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18381936628540681166noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072980074427637835.post-35069005162596677892013-11-25T18:34:38.542-08:002013-11-25T18:34:38.542-08:00Hi! First I want to say that this is beautifully ...Hi! First I want to say that this is beautifully written. At the end, everything made sense. I actually gasped. But a few critiques:<br /><br />Don't be afraid to immerse us into the story. Show, don't tell. What this means is that you don't need to tell us that something is a certain way, or that something is happening, but to show us. Let us put the pieces together. I hope that makes sense. That way, we are more immersed in the story.<br /><br />Another thing. The dog idea is fabulous. However, I do think it's an awkward reveal at the end. Perhaps you can plant some more clues along the way so that you don't have to reveal it so obviously at the conclusion. Say something, like mentioning a tail or a dog bowl at the end, so that we know it's a dog, but we don't feel like you're holding the idea up to is and saying , " see it? See what i did?" <br /><br />Fantastic characters. Great message. Poor Jacob :( I actually had to figure out whether this was real for a while, but some things didn't add up (which is why the dog thing made sense at the end). Goodness gracious great balls of fire at the climax you had my heart pumping.<br /><br />You have a lot of talent-- great work :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4072980074427637835.post-66589251977268015442013-06-18T23:50:01.481-07:002013-06-18T23:50:01.481-07:00A few things...you can use the dog to guide us thr...A few things...you can use the dog to guide us through the story but making the dog the narrator is tough (Call of the Wild comes to mind). It is easier for many, when they write stories to adopt some type of first person but you should have a reason and the "twist" at the end of this wasn't enough to jeopardize your voice. As a soft rule, use third person unless you have a reason. You will find much more freedom because the narrator is not bound by location. It can be an easy place for your voice to come through and make sure dialogue is something different.<br />Stay away from suicide stories, just like dreams...overused and almost impossible to do well. <br />Remove adverbs. Slow down your writing as action speeds up. Add tangible details, those thousand things you can recall later after the most intense moments. <br />I got some more, but you are doing the most important part, keep writing. Redmond Wallacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16256891266710662807noreply@blogger.com