Tuesday, April 23, 2013
My Struggle for Self Control
I constantly find myself criticizing my own actions. I follow that criticism with the perpetual wonder of if I'll ever be strong enough to change the way I act.
I know that I can be an irrational ass sometimes, and it kills me that I don't have enough self control to stop myself. I'll call a friend retarded, yell at a teammate on the basketball court, or simply put someone down without thinking twice. I know it's wrong. I know it's not the kind of person I want to be. But I just can't seem to get over the hump.
I find that so fascinating. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I know exactly why my character is constantly being criminalized. I really have no right to question why I have a bad reputation with some people. I've wronged. I've berated. I've ridiculed. But that's not really who I am.
I think that giving people a chance to see past my surface, to take an in-depth look into my thought process will prove beneficial in my quest to show that many of my actions are not a reflection of my character, but are merely impulse reactions to stressful situations. You see, I succumb to my impulses far more often that I do my logic.
Logic is a wonderful thing that I pride myself on possessing. But emotions are even stronger. I try not to snap. I try not to transfer my ill feelings to other people. I try not to criticize others when they are perfectly fine with themselves. But trying isn't enough sometimes. Because I still do it. Under the constant pressure of school, extracurricular commitments, and everyday life obstacles, I tend to let my emotions out on other people; an action I am committed to expelling from my character.
I'll try hard to stop using put downs. I'll try hard to have more patience with people. I'll try hard to be nice to those who some view as outcasts. But I'm noting that it's a long process. This kind of thing doesn't happen over night. It's something one must commit to changing about themselves. I'm the kind of kid who lets his emotions cloud his judgements. It's time I learn to balance logic and emotion. Some of the most amazing thoughts are the product emotion, but most of the most amazing actions are the product of logic.
I want to be somebody who has the ability to think emotionally, but not let those emotions dictate my actions. I want to balance my logic and emotions to produce what I find to be the correct reaction to everyday stressors. It will be a long journey, but I think I can get to that point one day.